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ZFXitis

Posted on Mar 25, 2015

Are you suffering from ZFXitis? Take this quick test to find out:

1 – Are the reminders on your phone set for 7:55, 10:55, 1:55, and 4:55?

2 – despite the reminders, do you start to get antsy at 7:45, 10:45, 1:45, and 4:45?

3 – do you listen to the ZFX online dozens of times per day?

4 – do you wander through your house looking in cupboards for things that could make sounds?

5 – do you listen for the ZFX while you are at the store or at a friend’s house?

6 – do you lay awake at night imagining what you would do with $16,000?

7 – when you manage to sleep, do you dream about being caller 9?

8 – have you made everyone you know listen to the ZFX with earphones?

9 – do you slam the phone down in frustration about 2 minutes after the cue to call because you know they already have their player?

10 – do you let out an audible groan when you hear the incorrect guess?

If you answered yes to ANY of the above questions, then you MAY be suffering from ZFXitis, also known as ZFXosis or the ZFX Effect. Unfortunately, there is only ONE known cure for this condition, but it is rare and usually unattainable. Sufferers are only suggested to try these proven home remedies which MAY alleviate symptoms, but are not guaranteed. These remedies are as follows:

1 – turn off all radios in the area and refrain from turning them on. Unplug them if necessary.

2 – remove all reminders from your phone. Better yet, just throw away your phone.

3 – stay off the internet. Reading tweets or Facebook posts may induce the desire to relisten to the ZFX.

The only known cure:

1 – be caller 9. Beware: this is a rare remedy that few will experience, and MUST be preluded with a thorough study of previous guesses (HERE)!

2 – get together with a support group of other sufferers and try dialling together – if one has a breakthrough, it may spell relief for ALL in the group!

You are not alone. It is an epidemic that is affecting thousands of British Columbians this spring. If you are feeling helpless, hapless, and beyond hope, please dial the 24 hour help line at 1-555-ZFX-HELP, or contact the support group at contestsvancouver@gmail.com.