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Posted on Nov 17, 2015

Whenever I am frantically dialling my landline, I imagine that I am one in a million. One in a million sperm, that is…

There are many stages of this journey to fertilization, and only the strong (or persistent) will succeed. The journey starts well before the dialling happens:

First, I hover around the phone listening intently to the radio. This is our foreplay. The hosts dance around the subject, teasing us with when the cue to call may happen. There’s some heavy petting going on; excitement is building, keeping my breath shallow so as not to miss the cue. When I am finally reaching for that phone, it’s game on! Then comes the hard part (pun intended!)

Premature ejaculation

I’ve picked up the phone to soon! It’s not time yet! I’ve hit redial and it does a false ring and bounces immediately to a busy signal. GAAH!




The cue to call has happened and everyone listening hits redial – the race is on! Thousands and thousands of people are vying for the same thing: being the right caller!┬áThis is when a brief ring precedes the polite automated voice “We’re sorry, all circuits are busy.” Thousands of people hit the hang-up button (nobody ACTUALLY hangs up, that handset must never leave your ear!!) and redial immediately.




Race to the Cervix

The most dangerous part of the journey, when the drive to succeed must be strong enough to thwart the desire to give up. You are getting close to the cervix when you no longer hear the automated voice, but simply receive a distant, cold busy signal. This is easily released and redialled.



Reaching the Cervix

Occasionally you will actually get out in front of the others and reach the inside circle, where you actually get a real busy signal. You know it is a REAL busy signal because it is course and loud. Your heart jumps, and you are excited about the possibility of actually reaching the goal! The crowds have thinned, you’ve beat out 75% of the competition, and hope is renewed.



Inside the Cervix

This is when you get THE ring. You know the one – the strong, gritty one. It rings like it means it! Just like when those little guys have thinned out and few remain – you’ve beat 99% of the competition and made it to the finals!



Reaching the Egg

They’ve answered your call. You’ve gotten further than 99.9%, you’ve reached the egg! You have reached it, but they aren’t letting you in – you aren’t the right caller.



Penetrating the Egg

As all the fertility sites will tell you, only ONE will succeed! One! There’s only ONE sperm that gets in the egg, and only ONE caller 9 (or 10 or 25 or 94)!



If you are strong enough to hang in there and lucky enough to be let in, the rest is up to you. You can answer the questions correctly or you can blow it. You can be a winner and seal the deal (successful conception and pregnancy), or you can fail and not complete the quest (not attach to the wall and get flushed out with the next period).