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ZFX Panic

Posted on Sep 13, 2016

It’s time for this season’s post about ZFX feelings. You may remember previous ones, like ZFXitis, and Open Letter to ZFX Players, and ZFX Thresholds, and the picture homage The Many Stages of ZFX, and my personal favourite Seuss-FX. The fact that I have a separate folder just for ZFX should be some indication of my obsession with it. I love it. And I hate it. So I write about it, hoping that letting the feelings ooze out of my fingertips will ease my pain. Because right now, I’m in full-blown

ZFX Panic!

This is what happens when you don’t have a decent guess, but the jackpot is so high that you can’t let go of the idea that soon, magically, the correct answer will pop into your head.

You’re undoubtedly well gripped by ZFXitis, wandering aimlessly around your home, the grocery store, the mall, looking at every single thing with new wonder: “I wonder if that escalator makes that sound” and “I wonder if I rolled this quarter down those steps, would it make that sound?”

Or maybe you’ve already reached your ZFX threshold, and have had to turn off your radio completely.

I personally am in ZFX panic – when I realize that I don’t have a decent guess, my heart races, my palms get clammy, and my breath quickens. My eyes dart around from object to object, searching for new meaning in even seemingly inanimate objects. Each is given deep consideration before being dismissed. But then I remember that time when the jackpot was $41,000 and I picked up an onion, squeezed it, then put it back in the basket and dismissed the idea. The answer was slicing an onion. This memory sends me into a tailspin of uncertainty – what if I’ve already dismissed the right item?! AUGH!!!

My voice is frantic and I reek of desperation. I can’t concentrate on simple tasks, like bathing and eating. My children are neglected, offering ZFX suggestions in hopes of getting a snack plate before bed. NO. I can’t even speak, I simply shake my head, with eyes open wide and mouth firmly closed for fear that all my angst will spill out.

This. is. ZFX panic. The only thing that can calm me down is a half-decent guess. It allows me to focus on other things between 8, 11, 2, and 5. This is crazy, I think to myself. How can a silly game consume so much of one’s energy?

I don’t know. Maybe $10,000 has something to do with it…

They should have one of those fast-talking medical warnings when they do the ZFX cue to call: *quiet voice speaking swiftly* “May cause insomnia, hyperventilation, and panic attacks. Not recommended for those with weak minds or other things to do during the day. Do not operate heavy machinery when consumed by ZFX. If you have any of the above symptoms, turn off your radio immediately or seek medical attention.”